were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
