Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
