mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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