i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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