yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
