During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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