I cut my penus on the lid.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
wow bdsm is so cute
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
