i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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