I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
