I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
