Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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