i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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