if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
