when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
