Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
its not stalking. its research.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
