Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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