Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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