Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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