She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
