If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
