my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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