i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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