I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
