Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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