A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she was so not down for the gang bang
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
