i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
