Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
