TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
