Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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