Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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