I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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