Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
