Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
