Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
