When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
