we have pet lesbian snakes
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
