Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
