my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So. Much. Porn.
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