Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
