Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
