Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
