I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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