I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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