she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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