Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
