need another drink. this is the easiest way
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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