I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
