He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
