I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
