he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
